


Coming Home

by untilmynextstory



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky survives the fall, Captain America: The First Avenger, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-09 09:16:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8885296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/untilmynextstory/pseuds/untilmynextstory
Summary: Lillian was just a nurse. Bucky was just a soldier. Both were looking for a home. (Post War AU).





	1. During

Lillian Kinney, a young nurse of 21, knew it wasn’t the ship that was making her stomach queasy or even the horrors that awaited her to a battle wrecked foreign land.

She wasn’t delusional. She knew the cost of war. There were going to be a lot of brave men who she would get to know that wouldn’t make it back to their homeland. She wasn’t naïve when she assisted Doctor Jones in examinations granting young men – boys – she knew around her low income neighborhood in their wish in fighting for their country. Yet as she prayed clutching her battered rosary, despite the fact she long abandoned her parish, she slept a little better knowing that not one of her childhood friends, neighbors, or friends’ boyfriends or husbands were assigned to the 107th infantry regiment where she was working as an army nurse… _except one_.

James Barnes, better known as Bucky, or now Sergeant Barnes, was standing in front of her in his olive brown military pants, brown boots, and white t-shirt. She could see the outline of his silver dog tags underneath his damp shirt soiled by sweat. Gone were his ironed brown slacks and suspenders with a white dress shirt underneath and penny loafers. Lillian Kinney knew the young Sergeant as her family used to live across the street from the Barnes family before her family eventually moved to a more upscale neighborhood due to her father’s promotion. However, she had still seen the oldest Barnes boy out during social events as her sister was the same age as him and Lillian was acquainted with his younger sister Rebecca.

She watched as Bucky pushed a sweaty piece hair out of his face giving her a sheepish smile. She knew that the soldiers’ quarters of the ship were much more cramped compared to the space of the nurses. She had seen glimpses of the hammocks that men were living on while the nurses actually got beds. Bucky even seemed uncomfortable of his sweaty and grimy skin with his five o’clock shadow covering his jawline. He also kept a notable distance most likely so she wouldn’t smell him.

Other than his unkempt appearance, he seemed the same man she knew around the neighborhood growing up, from his dark chocolate hair to the amused smirk that seemed to always be in place that complimented his sparkling cerulean eyes. She wasn’t surprised that he would be in the army. Bucky was the epitome of health, one sought after for the army, and she was sure his training as a boxer made him more desirable to recruitment agencies.

“Steve mentioned you were a nurse.” He said with a wide smile showcasing his white teeth and his untainted youth.

“I patched him up a few times,” The brunette nurse replied with a small smile at the thought of Steven Rogers. He frequently came through St. Mary’s for frequent check-ups due to numerous ailments that affected his small frame with the occasional busted lip. She also remembered his eagerness to join the war the last time he came through the hospital, despite both of them knowing on his asthma alone they wouldn’t accept him. However, she had her suspicions that he was capable of lying on enlisting cards, in spite of how much of a proper gentleman Steve Rogers was raised as. “Is he here with you?” 

“No,” Bucky said shaking his head. A rueful smile came across his face before it flickered away, “he is 4F.”

“Well, there are other ways to support the war effort.” She supplied although a part of her was glad Steve wouldn’t face the horrors that await all of the brave men on the ship.

“I said the same thing, but he is too stubborn to listen.” Bucky muttered darkly. “How’s your sister?” He asked as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. Lillian knew Bucky and Alma ran in the same crowd back in Brooklyn both notorious for their ways at the dance halls.

Now she was frowning and she swiped a piece of her brown hair out of her face and behind her ears. Her family did not support her at all signing up to tend to men overseas and Alma, her oldest and only sister, took it the hardest given her current predicament. “Alma…she got in a bit of trouble.”

“She going to be okay?”

“We'll see in about seven months.” She said thinking about the scandal her sister brought upon the family as the father wasn’t claiming the child at all. “How’s Rebecca?”

A genuine smile graced Bucky’s pink lips as his eyes gleamed with the mention of his sister, “She’s good considering…” He trailed off. His eyes dimmed and he focused on the water rippling below them instead of her face before he cleared his throat. His voice jumped a few octaves, “just turned 18 though.”

She smiled inside as his voice turned sour. The brotherly concern showing through at the thought of his sister growing up and soon men will be calling upon her. She could picture it as God was very generous when it came to the Barnes family. “I guess it is a good thing most men are overseas.” He added lightly as he scratched his scruffy chin.

“Rebecca’s a good girl besides the way she adores you… she wouldn’t want to disappoint her big brother.”

Bucky smiled at her, a wide genuine smile she had seen over the years. She didn’t expect it to hurt seeing it. She squeezed her eyes shut as her stomach began protesting. She opened her whiskey eyes and could feel them burning from a mixture of thoughts and emotions brewing inside.  “I should go.” She said abruptly, but Bucky nodded in response. “It was good seeing you, Bucky. Take care of yourself alright.”

Bucky stood up straighter and more rigid taking the stance of a soldier. “I will. You take care of yourself too, Lillian.”

They both don’t leave right away, but lingered.

She memorized every detail about the man in front of her as she thought that was going to be the last time she would see Bucky Barnes from Brooklyn untainted by the war.

…

Lillian knew her school education and shifts in the ER would have never prepared her novice hands and skills for the battle wounds she tended on a daily basis. She was constantly elbow deep in stomachs looking for shrapnel or her small aching fists plugged gaping holes in calves of men screaming for their lost limb.

Every day she found her nurses’ slacks and shirt caked in blood. The fatigued young nurse long ago abandoned trying to clean the blood out of her nurses’ dress. When she took off the garments her chest and stomach were stained in a deep red dried like mud and cracked like her dry chapped lips.  Everything was stained red. It was like she bathed in a valley of blood. She swam in the red sea every day. She was sure with all the blood being shed in the war a body of water containing the lost souls of the battles would form.

It had been like this since she and all of the 107th were sent to Italy in July after a month stay in England.

Nothing could have prepared her for the battle conditions from the smell, to the cold looks in soldier's’ eyes, and the echoes of gunshots and grenades. Sometimes she deluded herself into thinking she was just experiencing fireworks when the skies would light up.

She was so used to red she wasn’t prepared for the glimpse of blue she saw beneath it.

She and all the nurses were prepared for more causalities than normal as the Head Nurse and Doctor explained the men were going to try and push back Axis’ forces on the front line. _We all need to be extra vigilant_ , they said. But they couldn’t hide the anxiety of how unprepared they were for the harsh conditions that would be filling their tents.

She could say she prided herself on being able to compartmentalize. She never let the faces of the men she tended distract her like some of her co-workers. Many of them had formed attachments to the men, even though it being very clear that there weren’t supposed to be any fornication between the nurses and soldiers. One nurse already got sent home, as she could no longer hide the life growing inside her.

Lillian had lost track of how many men were coming inside the medical ward as her throbbing feet went from patient to patient. She could taste the agony every time the medic came back with a new body in the truck. Names and faces were blurring until the last tent in her section was filled with a man who had a stomach wound from being hit with shrapnel.

She was wiping some of the excess dirt off the man’s face to check for any other injuries when piercing blue eyes connected with her exhausted bloodshot whiskey ones. She faltered in her task as she stared down at a wounded Bucky Barnes.

She only had seen Bucky a few times since their talk on the ship two months ago. The first time was when he and a few other men were giving themselves a tour of their makeshift home in the Italian heat. She and a few nurses were enjoying a meager lunch when the men passed catcalling, all except Bucky who gave her a small smile and a nod of the head.

The other two times were all in passing when he would come into the medical tent to visit his injured comrades.

On those days, she always had lingering thoughts that she was glad he never made it inside of a tent on a cot drenched in his own blood.  They never said anything to each other only a polite head nod and a smile that got smaller. It was almost like they both knew what could happen if words were spoken as if they were afraid to hear the changes the war brought upon them.

Now he was here on a worn and damp cot. His skin was warm and sticky against her hands. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she began methodically asking him questions to ensure there wasn’t any damage to his hearing, sight, or state of mind. He responded to all her questions with a shaky breathe and a sweet smile, as if he wasn’t here with his blood coating her hands.

Lillian released a breath she didn’t know she was holding when the head nurse announced his wounds weren’t life threatening. But she needed to compartmentalize since she was in charge of removing the shrapnel and stitching his stomach in his left lumbar region.

Her eyes burned as she tried to focus anywhere but his eyes that were silent and terrified.

She tried to ignore how his blood coated her shaky hands and found a home underneath her fingernails.

Red and blue collided.

…

It was late at night and almost the end of Lillian’s shift when she finally made it back to the enclosed examination room she had been actively avoiding since mid-afternoon. It seemed after Bucky the men retreated from battle and only a few more injured were brought in.

She ignored the screams and moans of agony as she walked down the hall to the last tent in her section. He needed his stitches checked and then she would be done for the night.

“Sergeant Barnes, it’s Nurse Kinney coming to check on your stitches,” She announced outside the flap before letting herself in the room.

He was lying on his cot shirtless exposing his bandage. The white a stark contrast to his darken skin from dirt and the sun. He gave her an exhausted smile and corrected weakly, “It’s Bucky.”

Flat brown waves shook lightly as she smiled at his correction. She felt her professional demeanor slowly chipping away. “How are you feeling _Bucky_?”  Lillian questioned as she grabbed a pair of latex gloves and moved a metal dented stool to the side of his bed. She swiftly, but delicately, removed the bandage covering the mended wound revealing no sign of redness or swelling.

“Better now that you’re here, doll.” He commented as he looked down to his broken skin.

Lillian bit back the unladylike snort wanting to escape from her throat. She could barely keep track of how much she heard that simple line from lonely soldiers wanting a few extra minutes of her time. “I bet you tell that to all the nurses,” she remarked with a raised eyebrow.

He gave her a wide smile. The injured Sergeant went to retort before he sucked in a pain breath as she gently prodded his left iliac fossa, the area below his stitches. Even through the gloves she could feel the warmth of his skin. The last thing she wanted was an infection. They were losing too many men to contagion alone from the conditions brought along by war.

“How would you rate the pain there on a scale of 1 to 10?” Lillian asked gently and she saw him hesitant a little and she added with a pointed look, “Don’t lie either.”

Bucky’s shoulders deflate as he mumbled, “Maybe a 5.”

She moved her hand to his hypochondrium area and pressed gently and looked at him where he just shook his head. “Is there any blood in your urine?” She asked while she wrote notes down on his form.

“No ma’am.”

 “Okay, well you are going to be in here for three days before we move you to general so we can make sure the wound doesn’t get infected and you will have stitches up to two weeks. You will be off the line until we remove the sutures. Any questions?” Bucky shook his head. “Okay well I am going to clean your stitches now.”

As she meticulously cleaned his wounds, she was aware of his cornflower eyes following her every movement, and unlike other soldiers he didn’t try to fill the silence of the room with stale flirting. Instead, he kept quiet. Lillian was used to this also. Men lost in their thoughts as their mind was stuck on an instant replay of the horrors outside of the tent.

She sometimes thought it’s the quiet of the ward that got to them. The ground didn’t vibrate or sparkle. It’s just a dull grey with the occasional moan, but it was not the battlefield they become conditioned too.

She had just covered the stitches with a clean bandaged as she didn’t trust the condition of his cot when he finally spoke, “You’re a good nurse, Lillian.”

Her brown eyes flicked up to his face. He was watching her intently, his blue eyes burning with appreciation. “Maybe I just had a model patient.”

He chuckled. She felt the vibrations against her stained fingertips that were pressed to the edge of his bandage, “Well my mom would tan my hide if I had terrible bedside manners to such an astounding nurse.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Sergeant Barnes.”

“A man can only try right.”

Lillian shook her head as she provided him with a clean shirt and placed his chart at the end of his cot. She watched silently as he settled back onto his cot and gave her thumbs up that he was okay.

Usually she would wish the soldier a good night and remind him that she was either in the hall, a call away, or tell him who her replacement was. She never asked personal questions outside of medical questions. She never got involved until now – until Bucky. “How _are_ you doing, Bucky?” She asked in a quiet voice unsure of the boundary she was crossing as she approached his bedside once again, but as a friend instead of a nurse. She watched as Bucky’s face went blank and his eyes wondered around the tent as his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat.

His rough calloused hands took ahold of her small smooth ones and squeezed it gently before his grip slackened as if realized the intimacy of the act. A tortured smile settled upon his face, a humorless chuckle passed his chapped lips that prompted him to lick the torn flesh, “I’ve never been more…,” a dry sobbed reverberated in his chest like an earthquake as his voice shook, “I’ve never been more scared in my life, Lill.”

Lillian’s heart broke as she saw his cerulean eyes begin fading as a storm began to brew.

…

Lillian was checking inventory with other nurses when Martha, a real Sheba around the base with her perfectly curled red hair and matching ruby lips, broke the mundanity of the task and spoke to her.

“So rumor is you that you knew Sergeant Barnes before the war?” Martha asked curiously mixed with disdain that Bucky would associate with someone as plain as Lillian, as she heard Martha categorize her as once before.

Lillian turned to look at Martha, who was looking at her nails for chip marks. Lillian thought it was sometimes unnatural given the conditions they were living in that the redhead would present herself like a showgirl, but maybe the men needed it and it seemed Martha needed it too.

“We grew up in the same neighborhood.” Said Lillian succinctly as she marked down how many small bandages for minor wounds they had as she moved onto another rack containing medicine.

“Is he sweet on someone?”

“Not that I am aware of,” Lillian replied as she wrote down the number of morphine left in the basket wishing the conversation would be over. It seemed she got her wish as Martha didn’t ask her any more questions, but had a determined look on her face.

…

Lillian could tell Bucky missed Brooklyn – his home. Despite the joy in his voice it was thick with nostalgia and the unsaid fact that he might never see his family again.

She understood it too. She wished she could be there for Alma and witness the birth of her nephew, as Alma only wanted a boy. She yearned for a Coney dog and the steady traffic of New York.  She even missed old cranky Mr. Hiller barking at his radio while listening to a baseball game.

She yearned for a chance to forget the horrors of war that would forever haunt her.

It was Bucky’s last day in the medical ward and she tried to ignore the pang of sadness that clutched at her chest. Neither of them had mentioned what he revealed his first night in the tent. Instead, she watched Bucky socialize animatedly with the other wounded soldiers on bed rest and flirt shamelessly with the nurses for the past two weeks – Martha included. She ignored the uncomfortable feeling that seeped into her bones when she witnessed the pink stain cheeks and giddy whispers about Bucky in mess hall after their encounters with him.

“As I said before Lill, you’re a good nurse. Won’t even have a scar,” Bucky praised as he eyed his stomach before giving her his signature bright smile showing his teeth that luckily he still had. Sometimes she wondered how he could smile so brightly in this mess. 

“You’ll have a little scar.” She countered as she eyed the light line on his abdomen. She quickly averted her eyes and focused on the metal tray on the table next to her to hide the blush forming on her cheeks. She had seen more than what Bucky had exposed, but she actually knew her patient and it didn’t help that he was able to maintain his boxer physique despite the rations of the war.

Bucky shrugged as he placed his white shirt back on and stood there silent in the exam room and watched she fill out his medical form. She was used to soldiers staring. It was part of the job as men wanted a piece of home – something familiar to touch to soothe the ache.

However, those men weren’t Bucky. She was much more aware of her make-up free face and limp auburn hair. Or the chipped nail polish on her nimble fingers with blood and dirt caked underneath. She knew that her uniform didn’t fit like it did in the beginning. She was plain just as Martha defined her.

She looked back up at him and couldn’t help the blush that was now fully exposed on her cheeks as he was still looking at her intently. “Questions, Sergeant Barnes?”

He blinked his eyes and smiled at her embarrassed as he stuffed his hands in his pockets. He shook his head and gave her that sweet smile she suspected he had practiced a million times in front of a mirror to perfection.

“I better not see you back in _here_ , Bucky,” Lillian said firmly with no real venom although she was deadly serious.

“Yes, ma’am. I’ll see you around, Nurse Kinney.” He flashed her one last smile before he walked out the tent with his promise she hoped he kept.

…

She was surprised when she was handed three letters instead of two. The only people that sent Lillian letters were her sister Alma, who was about 5 months pregnant, and her parents, who were still upset she was overseas, unwedded, and letting Alma live in her home in sin. She wasn’t expecting a third letter and most of all for it to be from a Rebecca Barnes. She smiled as the letter pleaded for her to not mention to Bucky she wrote or better yet that apparently she had been a main topic in Bucky’s recent letters. Lillian’s cheeks burned at the thought of Bucky mentioning her to his sister. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know Rebecca, but it felt personal that Bucky would take the time to write about her nursing skills and that he had been evading answering Rebecca’s questions if he was sweet on her.

Her smile turned into a frown and her heated blush turned into cold dread. She hadn’t seen Bucky since he left the medical tent as he was immediately sent out back to the front line. She waited with bated breath for his return, but Bucky wasn’t her fella.

She chastised herself for letting herself become attached to Bucky.

But she couldn’t help and reply back to Rebecca’s letter.

…

The summer was quickly fading into fall.

She missed seeing green turning into orange. She missed the cool breeze that danced with leaves. She was tired of the dry wind that surrounded her in Italy. She desired to replace the broken looks of soldiers heading out to dig trenches with kids becoming glum at the prospect of school starting again.

She wished her feet ached from walking down the sterile hallways of hospitals instead of running to damaged men screaming for their mothers as she held their beaten hands and they took their final breaths.

It seemed the war was never going to end.

“You shouldn’t wander off on your own.” The voice was lite, but there was warning mixed in the tone.

Her desolate eyes found Bucky taking a seat next to her on the cool ground beneath a tree shielding them from the afternoon sun.

The war had officially taken the toll on his body. His blues eyes were slowing forming that haunted look from the ghosts chasing him from the battlefield back to base. No longer were they bright, but murky. He didn’t walk around carefree anymore. His stride was stiff and jaded. His smiles were strangled and a struggle as he tried to make Lillian laugh on some days.

She didn’t answer him even though she felt guilt-ridden about the worry evident in his voice. She knew it was stupid to wander off alone. She didn’t get to answer anyways as he didn’t give her the chance.

“What’s that?” He asked after he did his initial inspection of her making note of any suspected injuries.

Lillian looked down into her hand where a small 5x7 black and white photo rested between her battered fingers. A strained smile comes across her face, “Alma had her baby.” She revealed and leaned closer to him so he could get a better look at the photo, “She had a boy. Thomas Eugene Kinney.”

“Woah, he’s a big one, but a handsome one.” Bucky said as he examined the photo with a small, but genuine smile. “Congratulations, Aunt Lillian. You’re going to be a great aunt.”

 “You think so?”

“Of course, doll. Now I need to get you home sooner.”

Lillian smiled appreciatively and her head found a home on his shoulder.

…

It was a cool night.

Bucky had somehow managed to convince Lillian to meet outside of the nurses’ sleeping quarters when they both knew that they shouldn’t be wasting the opportunity to sleep, or getting caught. It probably didn’t help that Bessie, one of the older nurses who meant well, made a point to mention to Bucky that it was also Lillian’s birthday. She was officially 22 years old, but she felt much order and fatigued for someone her age.

“So I know it isn’t much,” Bucky began as he looked at Lillian, the stars and moonlight made his blue eyes sparkle and she found it almost soothing – too comforting. “But, I hope you’ll like it. So Happy Birthday,” he said smiling brightly as he opened his palm.

Lillian looked down into his hand and found a paper origami. She picked it up delicately to examine it. It was the shape of a flower.

“It is a carambola flower.” He said hastily. “One of the guys in my squad showed me how to make it.” He added on and if it wasn’t so dark she would have been able to make out the faint blush as his hand rubbed his neck anxiously.

“You made this?” Lillian said shocked that he took the time to even make something for her birthday on such short notice.

Bucky nodded his head slowly. His voice was meek, “I know it is-“

Lillian cut him off by giving him a hug being mindful of the delicate gift in her hand. Her arms wrapped themselves tightly around his neck and her senses were invaded the smell of gunpowder, sweat, and musk, but she would gladly make a candle of it. “I love it. Thank you.”

Before she could stop herself she placed a chaste kiss on his dirty sunburnt cheek that had a 5 o’clock shadow. She felt him tense slightly but relaxed from the unexpected gesture. She pulled back glad the night could hide her blush. “I mean it, I really like it.”

 “Just wanted to give you something to remember me by,” he spoke so softly she wasn’t even sure she heard him right or even that he wanted for her to hear it.

“As if I could ever forget you,” She replied sincerely.

She knew the words were true. And honestly, that scared her.

…

She didn’t think much of it at first when a few men began trickling in. She knew replacements sometimes became too frightened and ran from the battle lines back to the Battalion HQ terrified out of their wits. Most of the earliest wounds Lillian tended were from friendly fire. 

But soon she witnessed more men becoming hysterical talking about men evaporating in thin air from some type of blue glowing weapon. Most were sent back to England to see a head shrink, according to some whispers.

Then more men came back in small herds with broken bodies and minds that were out of Lillian’s expertise in mending.

Never the whole 107th infantry emerged from the gates of trees that surrounded the camp.

She buried the worry for Bucky as she tended to the men who were dehydrated and had more physical wounds than the mental. All while she prayed to a God she slightly abandoned that the blue eyed Sergeant wouldn’t appear on her table. Yet, she didn’t know if that made her feel better or worse as she looked at the origami flower each night in her dirty bloodied palm.

Soon more men, even if it was only ten, came back looking battle worn and broken.

Not one of them had piercing blue eyes with an easy sweet smile.

Then the men stopped coming back at all.

When Lillian heard the words captured was when she finally allowed herself to cry, the paper flower wilted from her tears.

.

.

.

The 107th had turned into a remorse battle worn group.

They didn’t sign condolence letters right away; they waited until the rain began when it was dreary and damp. They scouted the area for their missing soldiers, Lillian assumed they found the area where they were held, but they didn’t want to risk losing more men. Those words belonged to Colonel Phillips, who was in charge of the Strategic Scientific Reserve, who appeared out of nowhere because of the mutterings about blue weapons. She ignored the fact she never even heard of the government sector.

She didn’t pay any attention to it. She avoided answering Rebecca’s letters sent in the last month since Bucky’s capture. She didn’t want to think of him as dead, but now that Phillips wasn’t going to risk men they all had signed Bucky’s death wish.

She was at the edge of a tent away from the medical field and the stage where some man named Captain America was putting on some type of show. Her mood had become incredibly sour and short in the past month and she preferred watching the thick and heavy rain. It was a nice interlude from the summer heat or the glowing of bombs.

“Lillian Kinney?” A male voice called out over the hefty rain smacking against the ceiling of the tent.

Turning around Lillian saw a tall man looking like a walking American Flag. Underneath his long trench coat splattered with raindrops, she saw a peak of spandexes colored red, white, and blue. She was unsure of what to make of the site in front of her as he approached cautiously.

“Do you need medical attention?”  Lillian asked politely as she didn’t recognize the man immediately and in her desolate mind she suspected the man was Captain America. But even if she was in a sour mood, potential patients and other people didn’t need to be the receiver of it, well maybe only Colonel Phillips.

“No, no. It’s me. Steve Rogers.”

Lillian’s whiskey eyes widened to the size of saucers as she gave Steve a once over flabbergasted. This was not the Steve she remembered. Steve was small and skinny. Steve and she were both the same height. Yet, despite the girth and muscle added to the new body of his, Steve’s deep blue eyes and blonde hair were still the same. “But you’re tall.”

Steve chuckled lightly as he came closer to the shocked nurse and shrugged his shoulders. “That’s what happens when you join the Army.”

Lillian stood there in shock as she eyed the muscular man in front of her. She had half the mind to scold Bucky for not telling him about Steve’s mind boggling transformation that did not come from _joining_ the army because if it did maybe the war would have been over by now. Lillian’s heart clenched, however, at the thought of Bucky and realized Steve probably didn’t even know about his best friend.

Bucky off handedly mentioned how the war was a sore topic between the two childhood friends. Steve wanted to join, but was denied at every opportunity. Bucky was accepted on his first try. Bucky even mentioned the last time he saw his friend he was trying to enlist again and confirmed Steve would lie on his enlistment forms much to Bucky’s chagrin. Lillian suspected the two haven’t written since Bucky arrived overseas, at least since they moved to Italy.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked concerned from her silence and panic making her brown eyes darken, “Do you need to sit?”

Lillian shook her head a headache began forming behind her eyes as they began to burn.

“Steve, do you know where you’re at?” Her voice was thick and hoarse.

He looked puzzled as he responded, “Italy.”

“Yeah, but this is all that is left of the 107th.” Lillian whispered meekly as hot tears streamed down her face. “They were captured about a month ago and they’ve given up…Bucky was with them.”

…

She was surprised her heart didn’t spontaneously combust or more medically appropriate die of a heart coronary.

Her cheeks were flushed and sticky from the hot tears at the site of the dirty, battle worn, handsome man in front of her in a secluded section of the medical tent.

Lillian was supposed to be giving him a thorough medical examination considering he was a prisoner for a whole month and the results were visible. His shirt was noticeably larger on his frame as they sagged from his broad shoulders. His hair was greasy and tangled and he didn’t smell remotely clean. There were bruises littering his body and blood was dried in his ears. And those blue eyes were tortured.

Yet, somehow, he was smiling, looking at her, relishing in the attention she was showering him with.

“I take it someone missed me?” He teased; a cocky smile graced his dry lips.

“Don’t joke. I was sick with worry. I-I…” Lillian trailed off as a set of fresh hot tears dampened her cheeks. She _thought_ he was dead.

Bucky’s smile twisted into a look of genuine concern. His rough grimy hand cupped her heated cheek and wiped away the tears, “Hey, I’m right here.” He soothed as he drew Lillian into him right in between his brawny thighs. If she were in the right state of mind Lillian would have stammered and been embarrassed about the scandalous position they were in considering the flap of a tent wasn’t much privacy.

His eyes trailed down to his dog tags she didn’t realize she was clutching with her shaky hand. She was still slightly trembling from the overflow of emotions she experienced in the last 24 hours, all revolving around the blue eyed sergeant in front of her. She wondered when he became infused inside her like white blood.

“Lillian,” he whispered drawing her attention back to him. Her full name was foreign on his tongue as he always addressed her by Lill or her last name.

She felt a faint pressure on her lower back drawing her closer to him. She knew she should’ve pulled back. She knew what was coming. She had been in this position before with angry soldiers with bruising hands. But they weren’t Bucky. So she let him draw her snug against his chest and let him kiss her.

It was slow. Cautious. It was as if he was worried she would pull back and have second thoughts.

Instead she dropped the cool metal in her palm and kissed him back.

The kiss became wet and demanding with his teeth applying the right pressure to her bottom lip before his tongue began its sweet assault. His nectar drugging and making her forget the horrors that were outside the walls of the tent. Or the glaring fact that here she was kissing Bucky Barnes from Brooklyn.

She didn’t think about how inexperienced she was compared to him. In fact, she didn’t think about how Bucky was the only man she had kissed this intimately. But it felt right. It felt like coming home.

It wasn’t until her fingers dug lightly into his shoulders where she had seen injection marks when he hissed in discomfort that brought her back to reality.

She immediately detached from him giving him an embarrassed smile. She ignored how her lips still tingled and how his were swollen.

“We need to finish your check up,” she told him breathlessly.

Bucky gave her a sweet smile and nodded his head.

After he was thoroughly checked, with Steve outside the tent, before he left he placed a lingering kiss on her check.

Sometimes she thought that was when she started to hate winter.


	2. After

Lillian wondered if shell shock was exclusive to soldiers. She knew she wasn’t an extreme case, wasn’t even close. But there were days where she felt morose. The melancholy hit her hard like a tidal wave. It hurt to smile and all she wanted to do was lie in her bed with the covers over her head. Maybe it had to do with her job, like her mother said. Despite the joy of the war being over, she knew it wasn’t unlike the words of her mother as well. Sure the economy was booming. Things weren’t being rationed extensively. Lillian found herself going to a lot of weddings and baby showers. Yet all that didn’t matter when she would clock into work.  She still treated soldiers for their broken souls. The war would never be over for them. Their minds were still on a battlefield chasing the ghost of their former selves.

Her mother was insistent that she should find a different job or better yet marry so she wouldn’t work, but she couldn’t abandon a job she loved even if most days were harder than before.

On the extremely hard days, she found herself drifting to thoughts about Bucky. She hadn’t seen the Sergeant since Steve liberated him from the camp he was held prisoner. Almost immediately they abandoned their camp in Italy. She was sent to France along with other nurses. He had told her he was being sent back to England with most of the soldiers. She tried not to think about that night or his warm lips pressed against her lips and cheeks promising to win the war – to them going back home to Brooklyn where he could take her on a proper date. Sure, they wrote, but it was far and between considering he had decided to join Steve in working with the SSR. And the letters lost meaning with all the black tape.

In the following year during a harsh winter, she was devastated when she heard about his accident during a mission with Steve and his team. Even more so when it became news he had been found taken in by good Samaritans, but by then Steve had lost his life taking down some organization called Hydra.

She wondered how he was. She didn’t dare venture back over to her childhood neighborhood where she heard he was back at home living - recovering. She just knew she probably wouldn’t be able to handle the broken look in his eyes like so many other soldiers. She didn’t want to see the result of the war in Bucky making him no longer the boy she knew from Brooklyn.

Lillian wrapped her scarf tighter around as the snow hit the pavement harder.

She really hated winter.

…

Brooklyn was hit with a heat wave in the following spring. As soon as you stepped outside it felt as if you took a dip in a heated pool. There was no reprieve from the sticky heat. Ladies were on lawn chairs in their swimming gear with their flattering fans trying to cool their heated skin. Men were shirtless with sweating bottles clutched in their hands on their foreheads. Kids had pried opened a fire hydrant on the corner and fought for the body of water.

Lillian Kinney’s tight curls were now sweated out into loose frizzy waves. Her floral light blue sundress no doubt had sweat marks under her arms, near her breasts, and at the swell of her back which the heat didn’t help with either as she wanted to succumb to itching it. She couldn’t wait to get back to the home she shared with her sister and nephew after another exhausting visit with her parents.

It had become a ritual of Lillian taking her free Saturdays to the Upper East Side where her parents lived. Only Lillian made the visits as her parents had disowned Alma when she became pregnant with Thomas, who was going to be 3 in the summer. Her parents had overlooked her sister’s loose behavior for so long and Lillian knew that the only reason Alma was cut off was because the father of Thomas refused to take claim of him. Her parents couldn’t afford to have Alma stain their building reputation among the elite residences of their new neighborhood.

Alma, in her parents’ eyes, was always a problem child since the day she learned how to walk.

Alma seemed to not mind their parents’ refusal to acknowledge their grandchild or her. Her older sister seemed to actually prefer the estrangement from their family. Lillian suspected that it had to do with the fact Alma was trying to prove a point that she could take care of herself and her son and make it on her own without the assistances of their affluent folks. 

Lillian could say though that Alma was a wonderful mother to Thomas and had tamed down since she had him.

However, even before the permanent falling out between her sister and parents, it caused Lillian to become her mom’s project to make sure the mistakes her sister made, according to them, weren’t repeated. Ever since her medical discharge from the nursing corps, her mom had begun trying to groom her into the lifestyle of a housewife.

Lillian went on the dates in stride to appease her parents, but after meeting so many arrogant men that only saw her as an object and a breeder to continue their bloodline; she was wearing her patience and pride thin. Then the majority of where most of the dates turned sour were when they insisted she would have to stop working as a nurse once they were married as she needed to focus on tending to him and his needs and focus on being a stay at home mom.

Like today Edward, a son from some high-class hotel owner, completely insulted her by disregarding her work she had done in the service and informed her that a wife of his in plain terms wouldn’t be allowed to work outside of the house.

Of course, her mother was displeased by her defiance of not accepting another engagement with the man.

Lillian at this point preferred dealing with Thomas when he was cranky and had a radioactive waste diaper.

Lillian smiled at the thought of her nephew and hoped he wasn’t suffering too much in the unexpected heatwave.

She passed her neighbors giving them a friendly wave and smile before she reached her new home that she and Alma moved into in late March. With Lillian getting a pay raise at the hospital and Alma finding a job as a secretary for a local lawyer firm, the sisters were able to move out of Lillian’s small two bedroom apartment into a more spacious one with three bedrooms and a large backyard surrounded by a fence.

Reaching her home, she noticed the windows were opened and she could faintly hear Thomas babbling excitedly. Lillian pushed open the wooden door with a smile on her face glad to be home.

“Hey Alma, Tommy, I’m home.” Lillian called out as she placed her purse and keys on their side table in their entryway. She could hear Tommy’s clumsy footsteps approaching swiftly.

Tommy raced into the entryway clad in only his diaper and demanded for her to pick him up which she does despite how sticky the heat has made their skin. She kissed her nephew’s rosy chubby cheeks which causes his wide brown eyes to fill with even more glee that cause her to become the recipient to sloppy wet kisses on her cheeks as she walked into their living room where Alma was most likely at.

“Alma, if this heat last we sho-“ Lillian stopped and almost dropped her nephew in her arms as she took in the scene or the person sitting in the arm chair across from Alma who was sitting on the couch. She looked back and forth from Alma, who had a shit eating grin on her face, to her – their – guest who was now standing up smiling sweetly.

The silent and shocked brunette was all much more aware of her sweated out hair and dress stained with her perspiration. She placed her nephew back down to the ground who was reluctant of being displaced from his aunt’s arm. Lillian ignored her nephew’s fit that was intercepted by Alma who muttered something, but Lillian was too focused on the man in front of her who was standing in the middle of her living room.

Lillian wiped her sweaty palms on the waist of her dress as her tongue felt like cotton as she took in Bucky Barnes. He looked the same yet different just like every other soldier she encountered. Despite his brown hair neatly styled along with his outfit, which included a long sleeve shirt she decided to ignore in this sweltering heat, nothing could hide the clouds in his once effervescent cornflower eyes even if he was smiling at her. His shoulders still held the tension of someone still on edge waiting for an attack. Treating many wounded veterans made her vigilant to many idiosyncrasies of the men still fighting their own personal war.  Yet, he seemed genuinely pleased to see her.

“Serge-“

“Bucky,” he interceded with a smile.

Lillian knew her skin was becoming more inflamed. “Bucky,” Lillian corrected herself, but turned redder from her lack of manners. “Oh god, forgive me, do you need a drink – water?”

“No, no, I’m fine for the moment.” Bucky said politely as he crept closer to her and nodded to the hall where Alma and Thomas disappeared too. “Thomas is a handsome boy. Looks like Alma.”

“He is going to be a charmer,” Lillian said smiling.

“You look lovely as well.” His smile was gentle and warm – earnest.

Lillian flushed brighter and thanked the heat for slightly covering it up, “Thank you and you look dashing as ever.”

Although, Lillian suspected that it would be impossible for Bucky to ever _not_ look dashing.

The room settled upon silence after he accepted her compliment. It wasn’t an awkward silence, but an attentive one. It was comfortable.

Lillian broke it as she stepped closer to Bucky relieved to see he looked fine at least physically she could see and a part of her was very happy to see him. “How are you, Bucky?” She asked deciding to break the ice of this topic so they could move forward.

Lillian felt like she was transported back to the medical tent in Italy during his first stay, as his cloudy eyes became darker for a moment as they focused on something behind her until his blue eyes connected with her brown ones.

“I’m okay,” he whispered his smile faltering.

Lillian moved closer and embraced Bucky in a hug and was assaulted by the scent of musk and fresh linen. It was different from the last time she seen him in a pressed uniform that smelled faintly of smoke with an undertone of whiskey. He returned the embrace firmly with his right arm she noticed. She squeezed her eyes tightly to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill. Lillian was unsure as what to say to the man she was embracing.

“I’m glad you’re here.” She settled on and Bucky’s hold on her tightened more before they released each other and she gave him a watery smile.

Bucky’s right hand cupped her cheek, “Well, I did promise you a proper date.”

“Ice cream does sound nice,” she added softly.

Bucky only laughed.

…

For their first date, Bucky took Lillian to a relatively upscale restaurant much to her insistence that Paula’s Diner would have been fine. She was pleasantly shocked that he didn’t suggest they went dancing, but she was sort of glad the dance hall wasn’t the setting to their date.

Lillian, honestly, wasn’t much of a dancer, and dancing was something Bucky did before the war when he was younger and unscathed.

Bucky informed Lillian he found out where she lived from Rebecca.

Lillian last seen Rebecca a few weeks ago while coming back from lunch break. Rebecca was seeing one of the new doctors, Dr. Chandler.

Lillian, along with a few other nurses were coming back to work, ran into the youngest Barnes placing a kiss on the young doctor’s rosy cheeks. Rebecca had been enthusiastic about running into her as their last encountered was during a hard and heavy winter while the country was in war and Lillian was still bruised and hollow since she had been discharged yet it was before the news of Bucky’s discovery from being found reached home.

Thinking about their encounter at the hospital, she should have known Rebecca would have ran back to Bucky after all she fell into Rebecca’s trap about how she was single and detailing where she lived.

Not surprisingly the date went well.

She learned after the war, he stayed with his parents before finding his own place. He worked for Howard Stark in his office in the city and boasted how it was better work and pay than working at the docks. But other than that, Bucky had most of the conversation focused on Lillian.

Since the war, Lillian didn’t realize how nice it was to just talk to someone and have them listen. Alma did listen occasionally, but she never would understand how war changes a person. Her parents didn’t like the talk of war and her mother never listened before.

Now it was nice for Lillian to talk about such mundane things and have something attentively listen out of interest.

Nevertheless, neither of them mentioned the war.

Lillian didn’t dare mention how he favored his left side like he didn’t question how she froze when something contacted with her back.

…

Her mother wasn’t happy that she was seeing a man she hadn’t vetted and even worse the man was Bucky Barnes. Her parents didn’t know the post war Bucky just the Bucky that ran in the same crowd as Alma. Both of her parents admired him for his accomplishments as a Sergeant, but it wasn’t enough for their daughter. Her mother almost burst a blood vessel in her forehead as she accused her of being influenced by her sister’s behavior. However, Lillian knew there was just bad blood between her mother and Bucky’s mother.

Her father like normal didn’t say anything of consequence. He just remained aloof, but she saw something flash in both of her parents’ eye when she mentioned Bucky worked for Howard Stark.

Bucky was at her house waiting for her when she returned from her parents’ place. Alma and she already warned him that their relationship would be met with a lukewarm reception, so he only laughed when she explained how her mother accused him of soiling her, which was so far from the truth she turned an apple red as she recited the words.

He only kissed her cheek and asked when he was going to meet them.

Sometimes she wondered what she did to deserve him.

…

He only asked once why she left the Nursing Corps.

Lillian had just come from a trying shift at work. Normally, she didn’t discuss work in detail with anyone. She kept the words to a minimum only acknowledging if it was simply good or tiring. Yet, that particular day it was more emotionally tiring as a young soldier who was only 21 had come through for a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Old wounds from the war began to bleed.

Bucky noticed her withdrawn mood.

His question snapped her out of her stupor and a part of her thought he would know as Alma would have surely told him or even Rebecca yet Lillian realized Bucky respected her privacy.

Lillian still remembered the heat as she and fellow nurses were blown out of the tent onto the broken ground. She remembered the screams of men and her friends that were drowned out by more grenades, bombs, and men looking for victims. She could hear her friends’ wails as some men prolonged their misery as they abused them in ways Lillian couldn’t fathom.

Lillian could feel the hot soil still beneath her fingertips as she crawled into the woods for safety ignoring the terrors behind her. She didn’t know how long she staggered through the woods when she came upon the site of Martha bloodied and bruised her nurse's’ uniform torn looking like scraps.

The next thing she remembered were flames licking her skin as blood pooled in her mouth.

They told her she was lucky. Only her back bore the battle scars from burns, bruises, and thick jagged white scars.

“The base was attacked.” She told him simply and left it at that.

His eyes darkened for a moment before he took her hand and applied a gentle kiss to her palm. She noticed he used his left hand.

…

The best part about being with Bucky, Lillian thought, was seeing him interact with Thomas. Alma and Lillian both expressed to Bucky he had no obligation in buying Thomas gifts or taking him anywhere, but both of their words fell on deaf ears. Quickly, Bucky had become Thomas’ favorite person besides his mother.

When Bucky was with Thomas, she noticed the tension he held in his body evaporated. His smiles weren’t heavy, but lite. He laughed more with Thomas than she had witnessed with anyone besides Steve. Her smile faltered slightly at the thought of the Captain. She knew better than to mention the name around him as even with the name escaped his lips a pained expression came across his face that followed by him excusing himself from the room.

Sometimes, it did hurt that Bucky couldn’t be carefree the way he was with Thomas yet she knew being jealous was unfounded considering she still held some reserve with him.

However panic seized her bones as Bucky let out a strangled cry that had frightened both her and Thomas as his right hand was clutching his left arm as he left the room.

Thomas immediately ran into her lap while Bucky left where she presumed to be the bathroom.

She was unsure of how to proceed. She had feigned ignorance in noticing how he shied away from using his left arm. She never asked for details about his fall and how he was found. She thought maybe that was partially stupid yet she had avoided any topic of her medical discharge of the corps.

But as a nurse, he could have injured his arm and she had the knowledge to tend to it. She delicately placed Thomas on the couch and handed him a toy while she traveled down to the only closed door in the house which was the bathroom.

Lillian knocked gently on the door, “Bucky, are you okay?”

She heard the shuffling of fabric before his strained voice came across, “Yeah, I’m fine, Lill.”

“Then let me see.” Lillian demanded as her hand hovered over the doorknob.

“Lill, I’m okay.” He insisted.

“Bucky, I’m coming in,” she informed him as she went to open the door and was met by resistance. Worried blue eyes clashed with her brown ones through the crack in the door. “James, please open the door.” She pleaded.

Bucky eventually surrendered and she made her way into their spacious bathroom. Bucky had discarded his usual long sleeve shirt and was in a simple white tee that showed a fraction of what he was trying to hide from her.

His left arm was littered in thick white scars and one so deep the runs from his forearm to elbow. She knew it touched bone and mostly likely the bone broke through his skin. She knew there were more from how the scars didn’t stop where his sleeve did. She also knew there had to be nerve damage that he desperately tried to hide from her. She hated the words that came out from her mouth as she could see his breathing was off and he had trouble looking in her eyes. “Show me the rest, please.”

He looked at her uneasy and she would have respected it if he refused, but he removed the undershirt with ease exposing the full extent of the damage the fall had done on him. Bucky was lean and muscular, but not bulky. He was sinewy unlike most men that returned looking scrappy from being underfed during the war. His dog tags gleamed in the light of the bathroom. On his left arm, the scars extended to his bicep along his shoulder and through the mirror even on his blade. He had scars extending to his pec and a few scattered along his ribs.

Months of practice as a nurse Lillian schooled herself in keeping a neutral face, but in the back of her head she knew she had seen worse. She had been exposed to chunks of skin missing from bodies, limbs hanging loose by arteries, but to him this is the worse she could possibly see.

Lillian stepped forward cautiously as she looked him directly in the eyes; she knew it would be too risky to touch him, “I don’t care about the scars.”

His blue eyes turn uncertain and she hid the sting that he wouldn’t trust her words.

She stood still as she untucked her blouse from her skirt. She ignored the widening of his eyes and words of protest as she grabbed his strong callous hands and directed it to her back underneath her top.

She bit back the urge to recoil as his warm hand trailed over her raised flesh. She watched the confusion dawn to understanding. “I really don’t care.” She reiterated to him.

Warms fingers ghosted over her jagged white scars that made her shiver before he slipped his hand from her shirt. Strong lean arms wrapped around her.

…

It’s nice – easy – being with Bucky. He didn’t expect much and accepted Lillian for who she was. He respected the fact that she loved her work and she valued being independent. Bucky lets her be her own person. Lillian realized Bucky was more progressive than most men in their times. Yet, those same thoughts brought a troubling ache in her mind. Lillian wouldn’t say she was jealous, but she was insecure. Bucky had never given Lillian reason to be either of those things. But Lillian was aware of his past and how plain she was in comparison to most of the girls he used to be with.

Lillian was aware since the beginning of their relationship this was the slowest Bucky had ever gone with a girl. He knew it too as after four months when after sharing many heated and hungry kisses his mouth trailed to her neck Lillian froze. He understood and simply gave her that sweet smile assuring her that they would go at her pace.

After that the kisses did become bolder and she allowed Bucky’s hand to move beyond her waist especially after they had exposed their scars to one another. 

It wasn’t until after Lillian went to see a movie with him when she finally found the voice to ask what he saw in her.

They were walking back to his car holding hands, since their scene in the bathroom he had grown comfortable enough with letting her hold his left hand, when Sylvia Martin startled Lillian out of her thoughts as she collided with Bucky who had gone still and tense from the unexpected arrival and gesture.

Sylvia was beautiful like Rita Hayworth beautiful Lillian observed. Her clothes were much more elegant and expensive and it didn’t take long for Lillian to gather that Bucky was quite familiar with her. Lillian went to remove her hand from Bucky’s tight grasp, but he wouldn’t let go as he quickly released himself from the one-sided hug.

Lillian saw the hurt on Sylvia’s face and even a pinch of disbelief as Bucky introduced her as his girlfriend. After that Sylvia made a quick exit not before sending Bucky a pointed look that no doubt meant she was available if he became bored.

Lillian quickly wondered if Bucky was bored as there were things she weren’t ready for.

She heard him sigh before she was tugged to a stop. Bucky forced her to look at him as he explained, “Sylvia and I…we used to date.”

“I gathered,” Lillian answered succinctly. She could tell he was unsure of where to lead the conversation. She could read the uncertainty with a hint of sadness in his blue eyes. Lillian wrapped her arms protectively around herself. “I’m not like those other girls James –“

“I know that,” Bucky interrupted, his voice firm and steady.

“So I don’t understand why you are with me.”

He chuckled at her which irked her for a moment before she zoned in on his smile. His smile was wide. It reminded her of when they were on the ship taking them to England. It was untainted. His blue eyes were sparkling with something she hadn’t seen before, “Because I love you.”

…

Lillian was slaving over a hot oven when Alma brought it up.

“So you and Bucky have been _bolder_.”

Lillian looked at her older sister in confusion as she mashed the potatoes in her bowl, “What do you mean?”

“He spent the night didn’t he in your room?”

Lillian flushed a deep red as she looked away from her sister’s imploring light brown eyes. It wasn’t the first time Bucky had taken to staying the night over at the house. It usually happened at least once a week when she babysat Thomas since Alma and her boyfriend, Jack, would have date nights and Alma would spend the night with him. Lillian would donate her room to Bucky for the night and reside in Alma’s.

However, last night, Lillian was feeling a little bold. Usually after putting Thomas down for bed, her and Bucky would reside in the living room and watch a little television before one of them usually initiated a make out session on the couch. They were always innocent. The only scandalous thing that ever resulted was that _she_ accidentally gave Bucky a hickey.

 Though last night she felt brave and had the courage to invite Bucky into her bedroom and she let Bucky explore more with his fingers and afterwards even let him just sleep in the bed with her.

“Did you guys have sex?” Alma asked excitedly.

“No, we didn’t.” Lillian answered with a pink face and she watched her sister’s face fall slightly.

“Are you waiting until marriage?” Alma asked bluntly.

Lillian pursed her lips at the question. She had been taught and molded that good girls were supposed to save themselves for marriage. She could say that she considered that she would save herself for her future husband, but now with Bucky and how she felt about herself as her own woman her thoughts were shifting. “Uh…I don’t know. I’m just not ready yet.”

Alma nodded her head in understanding. “So what did you do?”

“Al, I don’t feel comfortable talking to you about this.”

“Why? I’m your sister,” Alma said affronted.

Lillian rolled her eyes. When Alma discovered boys and the joys of the opposite sex’s anatomy, she would regale Lillian with all the sordid details. Alma would constantly tell her stories were vital lessons for when she would begin dating. Yet, any guy Lillian did see occasionally the information wasn’t even useful as nothing lasted more than a couple dates the longest was 4 months as she was too focused on her academics than getting married after high school.

“I know, but…this is all new for me.”

Alma gave her a genuine smile. “Bucky is good for you. You two seem very happy all things considered.”

Lillian threw her sister an appreciative smile. “Thanks it means a lot Alma.”

“Well until then make sure you keep track of your calendar and he uses a rubber.”

“Alma!”

…

It wasn’t until the 4th of July; Lillian realized there was a side of Bucky that he still kept hidden from her. She knew going into a relationship with a veteran there were going to be days he wouldn’t be able to smile. There would be nightmares that made sleep elude him. There would be things that could trigger an unwanted memory or an attack.

There were silent nights where he would cling to her scared she would somehow slip through his fingers. Those days as he trembled, she felt the tears that leak down from his cheeks onto hers.

He also could be cold giving her frostbite.

He barely talked on those days and when he did it was all in code. He would ramble on about bugs mostly. How mosquitos were the bane of his existence in foxholes, but soon the bugs became deformed as he would describe them growing two heads. She never questioned it instead she would give him food that would be untouched. His sky blue eyes unfocused and glazed as they stared off into space. She knew a part of it wasn’t intentional and it was just grief. But it still stung – it still hurt.

She accepted it and gave him the space he needed like now.

She knew it was Steve’s birthday besides the nation’s.

With all the red, white, and blue and even the occasional reference to Captain America, the day would understandably be hard on Bucky.

In not so many words, she conveyed to him that he didn’t need to go to the neighborhood picnic with her, Alma, and Thomas. But in his false smiles and cheer, he insisted he would be fine and he couldn’t back out of his promise to Thomas in letting him rest on his shoulders during the fireworks. She wanted to deny his presence or more importantly talk about the important factor that had her extra attentive to his behavior and mood.

They had yet to talk about Steve or those two missions that brought an early winter to their relationship and the whiplash she felt on those days from his withdrawn mood. She wanted to. She knew she had to, but every time she got some courage to ask him, she lost her voice. She didn’t want to sour the mood in mentioning his best friend and the reasons why his eyes were so hollow and dim. 

Lillian was understandably nervous as they mingled sporadically with her neighbors in the park as people approached Bucky thanking him for his service along with Steve. If she didn’t know Bucky the way she did, she would have thought the smile on his face was genuine. But it wasn’t. It was strained and tight around his teeth. His eyes were unfocused in the memories of his lost friend. It was the subtle clench of his jaw that gave away his anxiety and annoyance. She knew because she had received that exact smile on bitter days.

Despite the façade he was showcasing to the neighborhood, what had her nerves jumbled and had her stomach in knots was the fading bruise on his right cheek he arrived home with a little over a week ago.

She knew there were more hidden underneath his dress shirt.

…

It wasn’t until the day of Thomas’ birthday party that Lillian met Bucky’s parents formally as his girlfriend.

Lillian knew George and Winifred Barnes when she was a child before her family relocated from Flatbush.

Bucky took after his father physically. Both men were tall nearing 6 feet with strong jawlines. George was a bulky muscular compared to his son’s more sinewy physique. All of the Barnes had dark brown hair.

Mr. Barnes was a war veteran himself and a very serious man. There were times when the man wouldn’t emerge for his house for days and the whole neighborhood could hear his deep voice through the closed windows before the door slamming vibrating the apartment complex. The patriarch no doubt tried to drown his nightmares with a drink. On his worst days, she knew Sarah Rogers let the family seek refuge before George crawled back sobbing wanting to only be held in his wife’s arms. With Lillian having her medical background and the firsthand experience of war, she knew what it could do for a person.

Lillian could remember her mother whispering how she believed George was abusive to his family but those allegations were always unfounded. Winifred, herself, had confronted her mother about her loose tongue would get her in trouble and George never raised a hand to her and their children. Mrs. Barnes and her mother hadn’t spoken a word to each other since.

Yet, it seemed the years since she had left Flatbush, the callousness of George Barnes seemed to have been rubbed away and gone were the hard stares, but tired soft eyes marred with crow’s feet.

From Winifred, Bucky had inherited her personality and cornflower eyes as his sister did from her.

Winifred was a quiet and small church going woman. She had brown short hair she kept in perfect finger waves through all the seasons. Winifred’s soft personality contrasted with her husband’s and Lillian knew that Mrs. Barnes doted on her firstborn and only son and like any mother overlooked her son’s wild ways from his youth.

Lillian was watching as Thomas smashed cake in Bucky’s face with George chuckling softly next to them. Alma was busy taking pictures of the moment while Alma’s friends cooed about the scene in front of them and also how Bucky was a dish. Lillian had already been cornered by the girls who were eager to congratulate her on finding such a man.

Lillian was washing her hands in the kitchen sink while watching the sight unfold when Winifred had come into the kitchen with a pleasant smile on her face.

Lillian was unsure of where the conversation was going to go even after Mrs. Barnes had assured her many times how much she adored her and thought she was the perfect match for her son, and she wasn’t just being hopeful, just honest.

“Thomas is such a sweet young boy and absolutely adores Bucky.” Winifred greeted when she came into the kitchen.

Lillian agreed. “Bucky is real good with him and very respectful about Alma’s situation.”

“Well, it really isn’t in our place to judge anyone besides your sister is doing very well.” Winifred said politely with a smile contrasting her religious morals. 

Lillian smiled gratefully at Mrs. Barnes words and was taken back slightly from Winifred’s somber words that left her mouth as a chilling ache settled in her bones and heart.

Mrs. Barnes eyes had turned dark almost grey as she looked at her with melancholy a small smile graced her lips before she spoke. “Men like my son…my husband…they have a sadness in them. It never goes away. One day the dam with truly break and please don’t let it drown you. I would hate to lose my son for a 3rd time.”

…

“Are you sure?” Bucky’s voice was strained, hesitated, but there was heavy want and need mixed in there that he wished he could mask, but considering the position and situation they were in, she knew nothing could hide it nor the possible disappointment if she were to change her mind.

They were in Bucky’s apartment in his bedroom. Her back was resting on his soft, but firm mattress. Her sundress was laying somewhere on the floor with her shoes along with Bucky’s long sleeve dress shirt, suspenders, belt, and his shoes and pants. Leaving him only in his white undershirt and boxers, his dog tags were cool against her breastbone.

Lillian was exposed in her best brassiere and panties.

A part of Lillian knew the night was going to end like this. She and Bucky, mostly her, were becoming more adventurous in their affections in private. She had taken Alma with her to buy lingerie, which had put a sizable dent in her wallet. Plus, she knew that she felt ready with Bucky. She didn’t care about waiting for marriage or it was a stain on her soul to engage in these activities with a man who wasn’t her husband.

She wanted Bucky.

Lillian nodded her head feeling incredibly shy as Bucky’s fingers trailed her heated skin causing goosebumps to erupt. Her lips parted involuntarily and Bucky readily took the invitation and brought his lips down upon hers gently. Lillian reveled in the softness of his lips and his taste as his tongue dipped into her mouth and danced with her own.

Lillian didn’t believe she could ever want someone as much as she wanted Bucky in that moment and all they were doing were kissing.

Her petite hands trailed from his neck up into his short brown hair where she tugged him down closer, pressing him deeper into her. His response was instant and intense as he began running his hands down her sides over the lace and silk material that covered her intimate areas before he paused at her hips pulling them towards him.

Her own hands began their own journey of Bucky’s terrain across his muscular back and chest and broad shoulders. She dipped her fingers underneath the white cotton that covered him before she tugged it off exposing his top half fully to her his dog tags clinking from the motion.

In her delirious daze, she was still able to process his hesitancy that came with fully exposing his scars to her. Lillian leaned up and pressed gentle kisses to his scars which caused him to release a shaky breath. Her swollen lips traveled up from his palm all the way to his shoulder where she jumped to his chin and peppered kisses to his jawline all the way to his ear. She nibbled on his earlobe before traveling back down to his neck. Her tongue skated across his Adam’s apple before she pressed a bite near the base of his neck immediately soothing it with her tongue.

She found herself lying firmly on her back again. Bucky’s body pressed against hers. His gentle caresses were now demanding. His hands ran along her exposed thighs and up to her chest, his thumbs ghosting over the swells of her covered breasts causing her the peaks to harden to a delicious pain. The sounds she released would have embarrassed her, but she was beyond caring as he began grinding into her.

She felt a wet throbbing between her legs and the feeling in the pit of her stomach was becoming increasingly uncomfortable it was borderline painful. She longed for relief and knew Bucky was eager for it too as he shifted and she felt the evidence of his arousal pressing into her thigh.

She arched her back against him and exposed her neck to his lips causing him to begin kissing her feverishly leaving marks in his wake. Soon she was lost in the rhythmic grinding they were doing against each other that was increasing the ache between her thighs. She felt his hands creep between them over her belly down to her waist as his fingers hooked to the edges of her panties bringing them down while he shimmied out of his own confinements.

His hands rode slowly up her calves and thighs where they paused momentarily on her stomach. She was paralyzed with shyness as he smiled sweetly at her before his warm hands removed her bra and he began kneading her breasts gently that was soon replaced with his soft lips.

Lillian began to squirm with unspeakable need as the coil in her stomach became tighter.

He pulled up and kissed her passionately on her lips as she wrapped her legs around his hips bucking into him. Bucky didn’t even hide the groan that escaped against his lips. His kissing became bruising before he pulled back. His blue eyes were dilated and burning black. He swallowed and whispered, “You’re beautiful.”

Lillian’s mouth was dry as she was lost for words as she saw the intensity of the meaning behind his words. She leaned up slightly pressing a hungry kiss to his lips becoming consumed by him. He reluctantly separated from her once more as he took his dog tags off and replaced the item with a rubber as he put it on.

“Happy Birthday, Lill.” He drawled as a smile graced his features.

Lillian couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped her throat before it turned into a strangled moan as Bucky pressed himself against her center and kissed her savagely, “I promise I’ll make it good for you.”

Through the fog of being distracted of the fullness of him stretching her, with a pinch of pain before his lips soothed it, she knew in the back of her mind he wasn’t just referring to this.

…

Lillian knew how Bucky coped with his horrors from the war, she was lucky.

Her coworker Susan’s husband came back from the war hollow. Susan described him as a totally different man from whom she married. Susan had come into work frequently with bruises on her face and most likely on her body unseen from the fits he would go into. Lillian wondered why Susan didn’t leave him for her own safety. But Susan claimed it wasn’t him when he was triggered and she knew better to intervene when he fell into a trance.

Other men were sent into one of the few psychiatric facilities in the region and never seen again. The ones that did returned, they moved away from the areas away from the whispers of them being loopy. 

The worst scenario was when some men decided to end their personal nightmares permanently.

Bucky never raised a hand to her.

In fact, he became distant.

The chill from him burned her. But there were other signs of his stress – his demons.

She never knew what his triggers were, but she knew alcohol broke the locks he kept the nightmares chained on. She already knew men like to drink. Growing up with her father a glass of whiskey was like an extended limb. She never scolded Bucky when he came to her house smelling of smoke, alcohol, and a scent that was all naturally him. Most of the times, he was just tipsy and would ramble on how beautiful she was. He was still lucid and wasn’t stumbling over his feet.

Until one day, he wasn’t just tipsy.

It was in the middle of a cold night during a heavy snowstorm he showed up at her door. Luckily, Alma was out with Jack and Thomas was already put down for bed. She didn’t know if she was upset about the lateness of him showing up at her door or why he didn’t just use the key she had given to him. The flare of anger that was blooming quelled once she really got a look at him after he staggered through the door almost toppling her with his weight.

She was grateful the house was only one story as it made it easier for her to direct him to her bedroom. The smell of whiskey on him made her wrinkle her nose and the residue of smoke was irritating her throat. It wasn’t until she had him propped up against her headboard that she was able to make out his drunken slurs and the fact his face was damp. His face was twisted in agony, his blue eyes murky.

She was slowly removing his jacket, suspenders, then cuff links, when he gripped her wrist firmly with his scarred left hand. The strength of the gripped surprised her as he looked her squarely in her eyes. Tears were steadily leaking from his. A broken sob broke through his lips, “It’s my fault. H-h-he w-w-wouldn’t…” His voice trailed off as his eyes glossed over and became unfocused a part of her was relieved he wasn’t rambling about bugs. Lillian hushed him as she gently pressed him back down onto her pillows. His body transitioned to the hard hiccups of his sorrow as he tried to speak, but Lillian shushed him once more as she abandoned removing his pants and lied back down on the bed with him. His head rested against her chest as she ran her fingers through his brown hair as his sobs and rambles dwindled to soft snoring.

Lillian at first was confused on what he could be talking about as she thought maybe something happened at the local tavern. But she knew he wasn’t, for him to become this emotional while drunk, he was talking about Steve.

.

The following morning as he placed Thomas in his lap and fed him toast he promised what happened last night wouldn’t happen again. Lillian told him it was okay, but he rebuffed her statement reiterating it wouldn’t happen again. She wasn’t relieved by his words as she knew if he wasn’t going to show up at her door, it would be someone else’s.

Parting with a cool kiss against her forehead, when he left a blizzard came.

She wondered if her winters would always be this cold.

…

If James Buchanan Barnes could survive the war, Lillian was sure he would be able to endure her debutante mother and her narcissistic father.

She hadn’t been expecting the invitation to her parents’ annual Christmas party considering they did not approve of her relationship with Bucky. They believed he was beneath her and more so, he would ruin her and her prospects of a good marriage (only if her parents knew). However, it was blatantly clear the reason they had extended an invitation to them was because of Bucky’s connection to Howard Stark. And the kicker of it was that Lillian herself didn’t even know the exact details of what Bucky did in fact do for Mr. Stark.

Lillian informed Bucky of her reservations about them going to the party, but he insisted with that sweet smile of his that everything would be fine.

True to his word, the party was fine. In fact, it surprised her how effortlessly Bucky was able to mingle with the elite society of the city. All of the husbands were huddled around the Sergeant with their whiskeys curious yet respectful about Bucky’s time during the war – there was only one mention of Steve. The wives of the husband were hypnotized immediately under Bucky’s charm all except her mother. Her dad had warmed up to him after his fellow peers didn’t mind that Bucky wasn’t directly involved in businesses and they lived in a middle/lower class neighborhood. Her mother was still discourteous towards Bucky. But he took it in stride and remained civil to her and would pointedly give Lillian a respectable kiss on the cheek.

Yet, as she watched Bucky mingle and various guest comment on how lucky she was to have Bucky, she wondered exactly what it possibly meant to have Bucky.

She loved Bucky. She didn’t think she could possibly love someone as much as she loved him. Even with his cold fronts, she couldn’t imagine loving another man the way she did with him. She knew that she had severely limited experience in relationships to compare any of them with her relationship with Bucky. But no one ever overwhelmed her the way he did. It wasn’t a suffocating feeling, it was the way he had infiltrated her body – her being and how she wished to always be near him. She didn’t know if it was exactly healthy, but she wouldn’t trade what she was feeling.

It wasn’t until they were back in his apartment, as she had taken to staying at his place, as she laid her head on his clammy chest with the sheets weaved between them, that she voiced what being with him entailed.

Her fingers were lightly tracing his chest causing his muscles to flex while his hand ran through her mussed hair, “I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be completely honest.”

Bucky’s chest vibrated against her ear before he spoke, “Well what did I do now?”

Lillian lightly jabbed him in his shoulder for his jesting before she turned serious, “Do you think about marriage and starting a family?”

Bucky’s hand stopped moving in her hair and the bedroom was encased with silence and fear replaced the sated feeling in her body and she didn’t dare look him in his eyes before he spoke. “Are you sure you want that with me?”

Lillian sat up clutching the sheet to her chest as she looked down at Bucky shocked by the insecurity that replaced his usual confident voice. His blue eyes were focused on his white sheets instead of her.

Her hand cupped his chin, “Why would you think that?”

He only shrugged his shoulders his eyes only glancing at her briefly before looking back down to the bed. These were times she was reminded that Bucky wasn’t the charming boy from Brooklyn who enjoyed dancing and boxing. Now, this Bucky was a broken soul whose former self was left in an icy ravine in the Alps and was trying to live with the ghost that followed him home.

Lillian gave him a sweet smile and ran her hands his sweaty dark mane, “You know Bucky, I think you ruined other men for me.”

Bucky released a deep chuckle as he flashed his teeth at her, “I think you’re being too generous, sweetheart.”

Lillian leaned down chest to chest to him, “I’m not teasing, _James_.” Lillian moved up over and straddled his lap. “You know I’m going to say yes when you ask.”

Bucky’s eyes flashed with amusement and relief, “Well that’s good to know.”

Lillian leaned down and kissed him tenderly. She kissed the corner of his mouth, first on one side to the other, his cheeks then down to his strong jaw before he shifted his face and his lips were on hers and pressed gently into hers. Lillian allowed the change and allowed his tongue entry between her lips. They kissed slowly, languidly, like a promise shared only between them. “I love you, James.”

…

Bucky was a happy drunk and it was a sight that she wasn’t used too as she lead him back to his – their – bedroom after a night out with the surviving members of the Howling Commandos.

She was first unsure about meeting them as she didn’t exactly want to intrude on their male time and the Howling Commandos were something that Bucky inexplicitly hadn’t talk about yet like the most famous member of their team.

Yet, she was glad she met the people that were an extension of Bucky even with their harmless teasing on how did Bucky managed to claim a woman as her. She even decided to overlook how Dum Dum and Bucky seemed to have been in a rather long tense discussion while Gabe spoke – or she suspected – distracted her in testing how well she could speak French.

Despite that they all were such in a jovial mood she didn’t mind that Bucky was consuming an abundance of alcohol more than that was appropriate in her presence.

Now though the alcohol was giving him bolder hands than she was used to. Especially as she hadn’t even properly closed the door to his place before she found herself slammed _(gently)_ against it. His mouth devoured hers in a bruising kiss as she felt him beginning to tear her dress off right along with her stockings that she knew were irrevocably ruined.

Lillian wasn’t even aware they made it too his bedroom until her legs buckled against the edge of the bed while Bucky guided her down onto it as his kisses trail from her jaw, neck, and shoulder leaving visible marks in his wake.

Lillian didn’t try to think what would have caused him to become frantic in his affections besides the alcohol. But she could taste it in his hungry kisses that something was clawing at him that he was using her to stay grounded before it consumed him.

She could feel him against her thigh before he slid into her causing her to release a strangled moan as she felt overwhelmed as she always did with him.

When she opened her eyes, they clashed with his as he watched her reaction, “You’re so beautiful.” The way he said it almost felt too pure considering the position they both were in. Lillian didn’t get to respond before his lips came down and placed not a hard or gentle kiss on her lips, but something utterly consuming before his rhythm sped up and she felt the familiar tugging stirring in her lower abdomen. She was too lost in the sensation to realize Bucky didn’t dig through his night table that prevented unwanted consequences.

When they’re done, their scents mingled together, she laid her head on his chest as she listened to his heartbeat produce a calming melody.

His left hand played with the tips of her hair while his other held the occasional cigarette he smoked. Lillian didn’t even have it in her to scold him as her fingers traced patterns on his stomach. The mood was serene so when he spoke Lillian wasn’t sure what to make of it.

“I love you so much, Lill.”

Lillian tilted her head up to gaze at her Sergeant, “I know, Bucky.”

He looked at her as if she didn’t completely understand his word – the depth of them. She really wished she could know what he was thinking, but instead of asking she only placed an earnest kiss to his lips and giving him the only thing she hoped to bring him back from his mind, “I love you, James.”

His smile was small as the storm between his eyes seemed to wane. Taking the cigarette out of his hand and putting it out she made work of shutting off his lamp and going to bed where he quickly conceded to and came behind her wrapping his arms around her holding her tightly as if she would somehow disappear.

...

March was an indecisive month. It always seemed to be fighting if it wanted to snow or rain. The sun couldn’t decide if it wanted to melt away the snow or hide behind the clouds. To her March was a bipolar month with scattered rain showers or a heat wave that seemed capable of cracking the concrete pavement. It was the month for transition, in Lillian’s opinion. It was a time to start and explore new things. It was the beginning stage to prepare you for the warm summer months.

It was the time to begin removing the clutter from your home and maybe paint a room a different color.

However, now, March held something more than aberrant weather. It was also the month that Bucky was born in. She knew Bucky wasn’t expecting anything extravagant for his birthday. The only thing he did request was a home cooked meal. Despite him claiming vehemently that he didn’t want anything besides her company, she did spend a week’s worth of pay on gifts for him ranging from some new slacks and shirts, a new watch, and she even risked putting a mini blizzard in March by asking for a picture of Bucky with Steve before he became a symbol – legend – and bought a nice frame for it.

As she fixed the tablecloth of Bucky’s small wooden table and checked the clock fixed on the wall, she wondered where exactly the birthday boy was.

Lillian expected him to be a little late from coming back from a trip with Howard Stark, as he called her at the hospital to inform her of the trip having unexpected complications. She was a little peeved receiving that phone call as it seemed after the Holiday season his work with Stark had been resulting in a lot of late nights and unexplained bruising on his body that would miraculously healed faster than she ever witnessed on anyone.

The most infuriating part of these business trips were she didn’t know if she should be insulted that he was lying to her. She didn’t know how much longer she could keep telling herself that he would tell her when he was ready.

A knock at the door broke her out of her reviver of suspicions. Opening the door she faced a man she hadn’t ever seen before giving her a small smile.

“Miss Kinney, my name is Jarvis. I work for Mr. Howard Stark and am a friend of Sergeant Barnes. I am here to regretfully to inform you that Mr. Barnes is in the hospital and I am here to escort you there.”

…

Lillian wondered if this was the dam Winifred was referring too.

She didn’t know what she expected arriving at her place of work not as an employee but a distraught love one.

In a private hospital room that were usually reserved for affluent society members was Bucky bruised and battered wrapped in bandages and high on morphine. Guards at his doors and Howard Stark and a brunette woman she recalled seeing at the base in Italy looked at her with sympathy. As she went to his bedside, he woke up briefly his mouth numb and thick from the medicine couldn’t produce anything tangible and his hand’s grip were considerably weak, but in his eyes she could clearly see the apology.

If she had to guess, she would say Bucky fell from a moving vehicle with the friction burns that were scattered over his body and the most prominent one that stretched from his temple down to his jawline. There were bandages peaking beneath his patient gown that covered stitches.

During the following days, she decided to ignore how his injuries were healing exponentially fast. At his every attempt to discuss what had indeed happened to get him in the hospital, she promptly shut down mostly because she didn’t know if she wanted the truth now when she should have received it from the start, or the fact if he chose to lie he would receive more injuries.

She wasn’t stupid either; she knew exactly what caused Bucky to end up in a hospital bed. Her anger trumped her heartache from his lies and almost the general well-being to his health.

If a prize could be given for misdirected guilt, Bucky would be the champion for it.

It wasn’t until she was on her lunch break, which since his stay in the hospital began, she had delegated spending her hour with him, she finally snapped.

She was glad during the duration of her giving him a cold front he was perceptive to know it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows even if he was in a damn hospital bed. Her anger might have waned if he, Howard, and Agent Peggy Carter, who introduced herself later on the first night, still weren’t having secretive meetings in his room.

She honestly didn’t know what exactly made her snap as he was only reading the paper when she finally broke.

“Why would you think it was your fault?” She couldn’t hide the venom in her voice.

His blue pupils dilated with question before a dark understanding came to understanding her words. The paper left his hands as his eyes glided past her, his strong jaw clenched as thoughts swarm his head before he shook his head, most likely trying to clear the thoughts away from the surface, as if it were that easy to bury like a pebble in sand. “You don’t – didn’t – know him like I did. He wouldn’t have done it if he knew. Peggy said as much.”

“She said what?”

He didn’t answer and it only made her more pissed off than she already was as she felt her pulse rise.  “When the base was attacked where I was stationed, when those men, killed and raped…I got away. I ran in the woods for safety and I found Martha…”

A sob caught in her throat recalling how Martha looked. Blood poured from a cut on her forehead. The blood was black mixed with dirt and debris from the sinister men. Her nurses’ uniform ripped straight down the middle leaving her bare. Yet even in the darkness of the night, she could see the broken look in Martha’s eyes.

Bucky moved to speak, but she held up her hand stopping him and honestly she didn’t want to hear a lie – an excuse for his tangled misguided behavior and belief. “A bomb went off and the next thing I remember is waking up in a hospital with a mangled back, but they told me I got lucky. That’s what everyone said. But sure I had a back full of scars that weren’t even visible. But about Martha, sure she had some physical scars because I had covered her, but the mental ones. I tried to help her. I tried to be there for her, but she ended up taking her own life. And I blamed myself.”

Lillian saw Bucky look at her in disbelief; she saw the underlying meaning seep in his azure eyes.

“I did. I wonder what if I was friendlier to her overseas. Or what didn’t I say that might have pulled her back. Why when I was in the same tent with her did those men single her out than me? I spent months trying to figure that out and then I heard about your fall from the train... and I realized bad things happen to good people. With Steve… nothing would have changed the outcome Bucky. Steve was always a selfless man. He saved the world. Respect his decision…his sacrifice. What Steve did…he did it because he was a good man…just like you.”

Her tears were falling freely nothing interrupted their path as they ran down her cheeks and in between her lips. “You know there are some days when I look at you and I think I really don’t know you, but then it hits me that I do and it hurts.” Lillian wiped the hot tears off her cheeks as she looked back at Bucky who looked even guiltier. “I take it you don’t sit at a desk all day.”

“No, I don’t.” At least he didn’t have the decency to lie.

She placed a shaky damp kiss to his warm forehead and walked out of the room.

He didn’t call after her just let her go.

…

At first it was hard.

She wanted to go back into his hospital room and nurse him herself back to health. She wanted to be there when he got home. She wondered if he opened his birthday presents or even if he liked them. Lillian imagined his sweet smile with his twinkling eyes that seem to hold a secret. She missed his warmth from his lean arms. She missed the lazy kisses he would wake her up with that would almost have her late for her shifts at the hospital.

Lillian could make a list that went on and on to the point it seemed pathetic in how much she missed Bucky. But them being apart was what she thought was best for both of them.

Yet, Lillian thought what hurt the most was she wasn’t the only one affected by her and Bucky’s separation.

Alma knew almost immediately considering that she had come back to staying at the house. Lillian couldn’t hide the pain smile from her sister or her poor attempts to hide her crying in the bathroom running the water. Thankfully, Alma didn’t ask for specifics. She was even more grateful that Alma didn’t bash him for what she may believe caused the break up.

The one person she knew that was probably hurting as much as her was her little nephew. For the first week it was easy to explain why Bucky wasn’t over like he used to due to him having booboos. Technically it was Alma who told him.

After the second week, considering she was home more, and looked sad, according to Tommy, it proved her only nephew was more perceptive than she anticipated. Tommy had tried to distract with coloring, building blocks, and various games he thought would amuse her out of the stupor he didn’t understand.

It wasn’t until April decided that it wanted to be spring officially that Tommy decided to ask a question she wasn’t prepared to answer. The sun was out, but it wasn’t a hot sun. Just enough sun to give you the illusion it was a nice day as the wind bit through all of your clothes. Thomas was bundled in a black pea coat with a gray hat as she pushed him on the swing set that Bucky purchased for him for his birthday.

It was only the two of them and she could admit she was giving him pitiful pushes on the swing. Only Bucky was brave enough to really give him height.

“Aunt Lily?”

Lillian grabbed onto the cold metal chains stopping the swing as she answered her nephew, “Yes, sweetie?”

 “Where’s Uncle Bucky?”

She didn’t remember what she told him.

…

Ignorance was bliss, to a point.

It was hard to ignore her own signs when it seemed she was treating multiple women for the same symptoms that kept her up at night or from her once favorite foods.

She tried to pass it off as the flu as people were coming into the hospital left and right for flares in their allergies, running noses, and high tempers. She was bound to have caught something.

But she couldn’t remember the last time she had her cycle.

Alma being as perceptive as her son didn’t feign ignorance. She had been encouraging her to go see a doctor – to go see and tell Bucky.

But she didn’t see the point, her skirts didn’t fit as they did before and her stomach was changing. The doctor was only going to tell her what she already knew.

She had a piece of Bucky growing inside her.

…

It was a windy afternoon as Lillian exited a woman’s store with new additions to her wardrobe. It wasn’t much considering Alma still had her clothes when she was pregnant with Thomas, but Lillian still needed some new things like brassieres, underwear, and dresses that were more her style. She was in a slightly sour mood as the sales associate kept giving her dirty looks when it became apparent there wasn’t a ring on her finger.

She was fighting the wind as it was blowing her skirt along with her bags when a familiar friendly voice hit her ears.

Lillian looked over to where Private Gabe Jones had pulled over his car, which he was exiting from.

“Miss Kinney, please let me help you.”

Lillian didn’t object the help as her feet were aching anyways as he placed her bags in his car and led her to the passenger seat before he entered the driver’s side. She wondered if he knew about her and Bucky. If he had recently seen Bucky, but she wasn’t going to bring it up. She wasn’t that much of a masochist.

Lillian reveled in the heat as she placed her cool fingers near the heater.

“Why didn’t you hail a cab?”

Lillian flustered slightly. As a nurse, she knew she was better off than most, but living on her income alone which came with paying bills on a house wasn’t cheap even with Alma’s contribution especially with the newest addition she was saving for.

“I could use the exercise.” She responded neutrally, but she knew he could tell it was a lie. But he didn’t dispute. “But thank you for the ride. I hope I am not putting you out the way.”

“It’s no problem, really, plus it seemed the wind was getting the best of you and you are in no _condition_ to be handling that alone.”

Lillian froze as she looked down at her stomach where her hands were at protectively caress the life inside her and her face flushed in embarrassment as she looked over to Gabe who was keeping his focus on the road.

He glanced at her from the corner of his eyes before he spoke, “It was the store you came out of.”

Lillian nodded her head, “Is he okay?”

“He misses you, but he knows the way he was going – how he was doing things – he can’t do that with you if he wants a life – future – _with_ you.”

…

Lillian had just walked through the door and was heading to her room when Alma stopped her.

“Bucky came by today.”

Lillian froze and her hands went to her small bump. “What did he say?”

Alma gave her a sad smile. “He asked how you were and Tommy. He left something in your room though.”

Lillian nodded her head at her sister. A lump had formed in her throat along with a churning feeling in her stomach.

Lillian walked quickly into her room where she found a small envelope on her bedside table next to the paper flower he made her overseas. She quickly closed the door to her room while she sat on the edge of her bed with the enveloped clutched in her small hands.

She delicately ripped open the envelope where she found a letter written in Bucky’s neat handwriting, something she used to tease him for.

_Dear Lill,_

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for the worry and the pain I put you through. I’m sorry for not being the man you truly deserve._

_You were right though in the hospital about Steve. And a part of resents that about him and it was easy to blame myself than the truth. It was better to be in denial than accept what happened._

_I know I should’ve told you from the beginning, but I do work with Stark, not exactly for him, but I mostly work with Peggy. If you want to see me again, I will gladly explain it all to you because you deserve to know. But I’m pretty sure you already know that we were looking for Steve and that’s how I ended up in the hospital._

_I want you to know I love you Lillian, more than you could possibly ever know. I think I fell in love with you when we saw each other on that ship or maybe when I came back from the battlefield and you were the one that mended my wounds, all of them. Being with you is something I didn’t think was possible for a man like me._

_You made it easier to breathe each day. You made it easier to live._

_Love,_

_James_

Lillian quickly wiped the hot tears off her cheeks as she finished the letter. It was then she realized there was more one item in the white envelope. The object was lite physically, but emotionally it made her throat dry and she believed her lip started trembling. It was a cool silver metal against her palm. Her thumb grazed over the engravings on the circular small discs of identification for the Sergeant James B. Barnes.

…

Her letter in response wasn’t nearly as elaborate. She went to his apartment when she knew he wasn’t going to be there. The apartment looked the same. James wasn’t a messy person. He only had an issue of leaving his ties everywhere. So the apartment was still pristine and the only thing that was out of place was the dress jacket and tie hanging over the kitchen chair were he usually sat. Despite herself, she grabbed the jacket and tie as she usually done as she was trying to break him out of that habit to no avail and walked back to the bedroom. The bed was unmade on the side where he slept in. An empty pack of cigarettes rested next to an ashtray on the bedside table. Everything else looked the same as she remembered. Her things were in the same place she left them in from a small makeup set and hair products on the small vanity he bought her that he managed to get into his room.

She placed his coat and tie on the back of her vanity chair and quickly fixed his bed. She even threw about the empty pack of cigarettes and emptied the ashtray. Satisfied with her work, she placed his jacket and tie at the end of the bed with her short letter placed on top.

…

It was the Friday before Easter when she seen him. The cold front that had taken over the Eastern Coast had broken and a nice warm weather had taken over just in time for the holiday season. Lillian was personally dreading seeing her family on Easter Sunday given her situation. Reaching her home was Bucky.

He was leaning on one of the poles on her porch wearing the brown leather jacket she bought him for his birthday and she saw the gleam from the watch she purchased too. All Lillian could think was that he was so beautiful. Gorgeous to the point she thought it hurt to look at him. She missed looking at him and the way he looked her at. Like the way he was looking at her now as if she was the only girl in the world. It was the look that brought a pool of warmth to flood her system.

She wrapped her sweater tight around her frame as he met her at the bottom of her steps a hesitant smile on his face.

“Hey,” he greeted warmly as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

“Hi.”

Lillian watched as he smiled at her but he seemed nervous as she watched his Adam’s apple bobbed. “How are you?” His eyes trailed from her eyes down to her stomach before they darted back up to her face as she replied.

“I’m okay, all things considered. You?”

“I’m getting by.” He pursed his lips in a thin line before speaking uttering the same words in his letter, “I’m sorry, Lill. I messed up. I understand if you want nothing to do with me. But…with everything that has happened, if it weren’t for you, Lill...”

Her fingers quickly went to his lips causing him to stop speaking.

A wide genuine smile overtook her face as she smiled at the man she knew she loved and wanted to spend her time the rest of her life with, “We’re okay.” She whispered. “But I hear ice cream makes everything better.”

His warm calloused hand slowly reached out and covered the miniscule bump on her abdomen.

“Chocolate and peanut butter?” He asked softly.

He watched in amusement as her faced scrunched up. “No, strawberry and pickles.”

She felt him chuckle most likely to hide the disgust as his hand tightened on her stomach before his descended upon her pressing a deep searing kiss conveying things words would never do justice.

She finally felt at home.


End file.
